Whoa...where did 2007 go??

So I've been internalizing a lot lately. I suppose that happens when you don't have a strong support group around you that you see daily. At Purdue, there were always close friends to talk to and certainly people to laugh with. I miss "going deep" with friends. I miss getting encouraged by the lives of people I see everyday. I miss community.

I've been to about 12 different churches so far. Do you know how frustrating that is? I haven't been greeted by anyone at any of the churches and I have only gotten one follow up phone call from the information cards I have filled out. Are the churches around here just not looking for new members? Then I just felt too picky and that I didn't have a servant's heart when it came to finding a church. Finally on Sunday morning I just got a peace when I got up in the morning. The Lord whispered into my soul "Jesus is all you need".

Why have I been so depressed and CONSUMED by this feeling of failure? I suppose Satan saw an opportunity to attack and he did. After returning from Russia, there was this huge void in my life...maybe a lack of purpose, maybe something more? I'm not sure exactly but I know that my focus needs to remain on Christ, not on my current situation or loneliness. There are so many opportunities to serve here in Cincinnati...outside of the church. While I'm searching for a church home, why didn't I think to get involved? It's because I'm focused on myself. My selfishness has been like blinders on my eyes.

On a positive note...I am really enjoying work. I feel challenged and frustrated everyday, which is good for my type A personality. It's good not to be in complete control. I also love the fact that I work and interact with people from all over the world. I work with Germans and Canadians on my direct team of 10 people. One of my finance team members is from Uzbekistan and speaks fluent Russian. I am on the phone with people from Belgium, Switzerland, and Germany almost daily. I have contact with plants in Italy, Ukraine, and South America on a weekly basis. How cool is that?? It really keeps me from missing living overseas. I could see myself living overseas for the rest of my life, but at least I have a little taste of cultural variety in my job :)

The Game of Life

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see the same person I've always seen. But the Lord puts me in situations where I can really see how far I've come. Becoming more patient and less obsessed with the world is very difficult for me. In reality, many times all I want to be is accepted by the world. I don't want to go through the tough times or the difficult things because it's just easier to keep the same old me. But God wants me to grow, wants to keep refining my character, build in me a new passion for Him. I want to give up even now, but I can't.

It's hard to not feel lonely and afraid in a new place. But I remember that I have people that are only a phone call away that really care and will talk me through the rough times. The day I started Purdue I didn't know a soul there either. Here's to another new beginning!

A battle against the flesh.

You know how sometimes your first reaction to something is completely wrong? But you just can't help it, something upsets you so much that you aren't able to put things into perspective. Perhaps I'm easily upset by little things and God is trying to refine my character and heart. You don't have to read too far back in my journal (oh the wonders of technology) to know how completely broken I was just a few years ago. God had to painfully break me down to build me back up, so I could rely completely on Him and not my appearance, my friends, or my grades. But my flesh is so weak, it seems like if I'm not watching ever so carefully, old patterns of thinking start creeping back into my life. The roughest area still yet for me is friendships. Because of really painful experiences growing up I learned that superficial friendships were safe. I am so terrible at building deep friendships because my constant fear is that people will betray me. Unfortunately college provided both amazing examples of friendship and servanthood and those who were manipulative and hurtful. My constant prayer these days is that the next phase of life will hold many friends with whom I can grow closer to the Lord.

Lord, forgive me for my fleshly responses to situations around me. Allow me to dwell in your presence and continue to cultivate the fruits of the spirit. Thank you for your patience with me in my failure.

Holy fire, burn away my desire for anything that is not of you and is of me. I want more of you and less of me!

EMPTY ME!

Every season

I'm being stretched and pushed this week. I am missing alot of weddings and engagements this summer which is very bittersweet, to miss out on celebrating with close friends. But God is teaching me about being secure in His plans for me. Have you ever known that God moved you in a certain way and you were completely satisfied and secure in His will...until you see everyone else around you getting to experience things you don't have...at least not yet anyways. I was on the same path, the marriage one that is. But God clearly called me and said "Megan, trust me for more" last September. Hard decisions and painful pleading followed, but eventually, I yielded to His will.

I was reading about Paul in Acts 16 today. He was making his way all over the world spreading the gospel. But the interesting thing was how closely he learned to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. When your heart belongs to God and you long to do His will, God is going to lead you by His Spirit each step of the way.

So I simply need to commit my way unto Him and He will bring it to pass. So I can stop worrying about the future and stop longing for what I don't have. I can find comfort in Psalm 37:23

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, and He delights in his way."

Currently Listening Woven & Spun By Nichole Nordeman Graditude see related

Oh the differences in what we think we want and what we really need...

So this may sound a little stupid...but guess what? I graduated. I suppose in the craziness that was May, I really didn't have the chance to fully realize how much my life was changing. I knew that I was saying goodbye to good friends and finishing finals and grading final exams for my students. But I really didn't process life. I went from finals, to grading, to finishing my consulting job, to graduating and entertaining family in West Lafayette, to touring Cincinnati with a relator, to visiting Zach for his birthday, to packing up my apartment, to packing up my suitcases, and then straight onto a plane headed for Russia.

But you know what? I'm not going back to Purdue when I get back. I'm not stepping back into the ministry that I've so comfortable in for the past 5 years. I won't be leading small groups, singing for worship team, or organizing golf tournaments...at least not at the Purdue BCM. I'm not going back to the MBA program to take more classes in finance and interview for jobs. I'm not stepping back into a classroom to teach undergrads. All of these things that "defined" me are now in the past. But then in occurred to me. Why must I define myself by my accomplishments? I constantly try to make a name for myself instead wanting honor for my Savior.

My life is changing. I am going to work, but God has been calling me to ministry for a long time. I learned a long time ago that ministry can look very different and occur outside the vocation of "minister". But I just hope that I'm not so consumed trying to make a name for myself that I miss the ministry God is preparing for me. I know nothing of what it will be, I'm as clueless as the day that I finally submitted my will to His as a Sophomore in college. 

Lord Jesus, I bow my heart before you.  At times I’ve given in to the worldly habit of trying to make a name for myself.  Your name alone is worthy of glory.  I devote myself today to Your glory and renown.  Teach me how to leave eternal marks on this earth by walking with You.  In Your holy name, Amen.